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WELCOME

     This is my person blog as someone who has accepted and embraced their own foolishness, hence, thefoolthinks. Whether you have already read my posts before or are here for the first time, I hope you'll find them entertaining or insightful - it would be great if you thought they were both. While I wish I had my own one niche, I tend to write and think about whatever inspires me, I'm aware of the possibility of not everything I say resonating with you but I hope I'll at least give you an interesting read if not a new perspective.

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thefoolthinks

 It’s Christmas Eve Eve, while scrolling on social media today I’ve been seeing some early Christmas gift hauls. I truly haven’t felt jealous of hauls before, especially considering I normally wouldn’t ask for the gifts I see circulating. While watching a girl talk about her new purse, I felt myself getting upset, not at the fact that she got the gifts, but at the way her gifts were so personalized. I know she and the rest of the girls might have had every single thing explicitly listed in their letter to Santa, but some of them also made it a point that their gift was something specifically picked out for them by their parents. I’ve actually always felt weird asking for gifts in any scenario and I’ve gotten better at it but it has usually led to my own disappointment. Not because I don’t get what I asked for, but because gifts tend to reveal how much someone understands you. Now I feel like my focus had to shift from learning how to ask for things to learning how to not let it hurt my feelings when people (accidentally) make it clear that they don't know me. 

     I know Christmas gifts aren’t that serious. But I can’t help but feel the biggest pang in my chest when I realize a random co-worker’s secret Santa gift to me is somehow more in line with who I am than the gifts I’ve received from my immediate family. Now, I’m aware some people are hard to impress and I know there seems to always be a disconnect between young people and their parents. I feel like I should clarify that gifts aren't the only scenario in which my parents have shown me their surprisingly incorrect perceptions of me but there's just something about the holiday season that makes me feel even sadder when I realize that all of my years of guarding myself not only worked a bit too well, but that it also might be too late to go back now. I’m guilty of never knowing what to say when my mother asks me what I want in any case, so I’ve been trying my best to answer honestly. Somehow, this ends up making me feel even worse. At least before she was doing her best with minimal information. But how am I supposed to feel when I describe my exact preferences and I’m met with the literal opposite.

      After watching these girls go on about how they are known so well, I reflected on my Christmas last year. I wanted my own gel polishes for Christmas since I had just gotten into doing my nails. Naturally, my mom followed up that request by wondering what colors I would like. I appreciated the question because I’ve never been one to be really picky with gifts because it felt selfish, but again, I was trying to help her get to know my taste. I explained: my favorite colors are pastel colors but I also like darker shades (like a navy or wine red). I added, the only colors I don’t like are really bright colors since I feel like it’s too much for me. The truth is, I’ve always felt insecure about my hands so while I like painting them, I don’t necessarily want to draw attention to them. So the day came, I opened my gift and I saw everything I’d need to do my nails without having to borrow all of her things. I love it! My mom asks “Do you like the colors?” I hadn’t looked at them yet so I took them out one by one, a bright blue, a purple-ish pink, a silver sparkle, and the most shocking, hot pink. My heart legitimately sank. I feel silly talking about it and I felt silly in the moment because it’s just nail polish. But even now I can’t help but feel sad. 

     Was it so hard to understand me that explaining myself wasn’t enough? Was I not clear? Does she care? I of course didn’t say anything besides a quick comment after making sure to share my genuine gratefulness for any gift I received regarding the hot pink polish along the lines of “I’m not sure how much I’ll be using this one.” My mom ended up telling me she would just take whichever colors I didn’t like - which if I was honest, would be all except for the sparkly one, but I kept everything besides the hot pink. And in case you were wondering, my favorite color is purple - which apparently my dad didn't know until recently. All this to say, that was one example where I realized my parents don’t know me as well as I assumed they had. Which is partially my own fault for not sharing enough with them, but I was never really raised to be a sharer anyways so it’s a habit at this point. We’ll see how Christmas goes this year, and we’ll see if in the new year I’ll learn to get over my post-gift-reviving-blues or get my parents to understand me, which at this point might be a Christmas miracle. 


 
 
 
thefoolthinks

I've always been an expressive and emotional person. While I wouldn't necessarily call myself an extrovert, I have always had an itch for sharing my thoughts and stories with others. Normally, this sort of sharing would be reserved for my friends over a lunch that accidentally takes five hours; but the same way we run out of hours in a day, there are also some topics I know my friends would rather not discuss with me. I have always had the little voice in my head that wishes I was famous or at least relevant enough for an audience of people to care and listen to me -I credit Hannah Montana for instilling that dream in me.


My parents have tried to convince me to write a one woman show, become an influencer (on any platform, though probably not Snapchat for no other reason besides their unfamiliarity with it), or try basically any method there is to get myself "out there." I appreciate their confidence in me and how genuinely they believe that I can be funny and entertaining, but I am not fully convinced that any of those paths are right for me. I don't think I'd be comfortable enough; it's hard for me to tell if that means I'm uncomfortable with myself or the fact that I'd be sort of vulnerable and exposed. This is ironic considering my passion for musical theatre, where I must stand in front of people and be both vulnerable and exposed. But I can try to explain that another day. I (clearly) ended up considering my parents' points because why not? I have lots of things to say so I might as well say them.


     This blog/journal/page might end up completely unread by anyone other than myself and probably my parents - if they actually end up reading the whole thing. In that scenario, I could always use this to look back on my life. To look back on my thoughts and discoveries , perhaps by writing I could turn this into a self care journaling experience as well. This option felt safest to me considering the point is simply to write and share my perspectives and opinions in a space where I don't have to worry about someone not understanding or listening, because it is none of my business. Whatever people (you?) get out of this post or this blog has nothing to do with me and everything to do with their interpretation of it. So I'm going to chose to not worry if people will understand me or not because that's not up to me!


     I've grown to learn that one of my favorite things (if not my actual favorite thing) about people is how we are complex and capable of understanding and empathizing - whether we chose to or not. I've ended up on the side of the spectrum that is often told that we empathize "too much." But that might be a chat for another day. I hope that by sharing the thoughts that leave me spiraling, the things that bring me joy, and the things people don't like to hear me say out loud, whoever is curious enough to read whatever it is I'm brave enough to type up and put on the internet might get something out of it. Ideally I'd like to become braver and better as well.


 
 
 

What do you think? What do you want to hear?

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